


Bruce Wayne v Japan

by twriting



Series: Billionaires Gone Wild [3]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Bruce Wayne lies to a small child, No Plot/Plotless, Rated T for Trashmouth, Warning: Bad translations and even worse multilingual puns ahead
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:42:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22604917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twriting/pseuds/twriting
Summary: Bruce Wayne's business trips are a lot more... interesting... than most.
Relationships: Alfred Pennyworth & Bruce Wayne
Series: Billionaires Gone Wild [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1554868
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not easy to reconcile a commitment to justice with a carefully cultivated reputation as a mindless ass, but Bruce Wayne has a lot of practice at it.

March 2019

A line of three executives enters the room from a side door and stops in front of the table. A few seconds later the President of Wayne Holdings staggers through the door and trips over a pattern in the carpet. He swears and catches himself from falling. Although the room and audiovisual gear are clearly set up for Bruce Wayne to stand in front of the Niguruma Unlimited executives, he stands off to the side and stares at them blearily. Wayne's eyes are bloodshot and puffy, the left almost swollen shut, and his nose is red.

Bruce Wayne is a very large man with a neck as delicate as the base of a street lamp, and he wears an expensive grey suit that does nothing to hide his tree-trunk physique. The suit is a perfect fit, as though it were stitched into place around his body, and yet still manages to look too small.

The executives behind Wayne have the sort of builds you would expect from men who have never lifted anything heavier than a curated stack of documents. As the executives bow towards the audience, Wayne looks across the lineup and frowns. He speaks in English; "I never realized what a sausage fest this outfit is. Alfred, remind me to do something about that."

Wayne faces the cameras. He sniffs deeply, through sinuses that are obviously badly stuffed. His Japanese is fluid but heavily accented. "I'm a little out of it right now. I can't remember most of my speech. I'm not even sure why I'm here," Wayne announces. The executive board collectively flinches.

"It was probably a good speech. It better have been a good speech. I paid a lot of money for it. Culturally appropriate jokes. But I can't shake this fucking jetlag and I've been awake for two days straight. Also I've developed some sort of allergy to, I don't know what, a local plant or animal. I think it might even be the people. So I've been running on pseudoephedrine and caffeine pills for the past few days, little bit of alcohol to take the edge off, and I'm coming down hard right now."

At the table behind Bruce Wayne, the Chief Operations Officer for Niguruma Unlimited wears the face of a man who has just been told he is skinnydipping in candiru-infested waters.

"Yeah, I was feeling like shit so I went to the pharmacy last night - What?" Bruce Wayne frowns towards someone out of sight, backstage behind the door.

* _inaudible_ *

"Because I didn't want to send someone out to the pharmacy. I am a grown-ass adult man, why would I send someone to the pharmacy instead of just going myself?"

* _inaudible_ *

"I didn't get lost. I found a shop. Kyabarei District, right behind the hotel. Picked up some cold medication, nicotine patches, couple of bottles of shochu. Really convenient."

* _inaudible_ *

"What? 'Why?' Why what?"

Caption taken from transcript: * _Why the nicotine patches, sir?_ *

"I don't know. They were cheap, it seemed like a good idea at the time. The shop had a lot of stuff I wanted to try. Free plug, traveller's review, social influencer ... thing. Whatever you want to call it. About two, three blocks north of the Madison Elite, maybe a block west, there's a really good shop there. Caffeine pills, hangover pills, condoms, Pocky Sticks, they've got everything. Shochu. Can't miss it, it's in the Kyabarei District right next to the hotel shaped like a squid. Old lady who works there at night is really friendly. Says her family has lived in the district for five generations.

"Between the cold medications and caffeine pills I was finally starting to feel about halfway human last night, so I went for a walk to clear my head. Drank a little, talked with some really nice girls, tried the nicotine patches - I don't recommend them by the way. Went to a club with the girls, that area's full of clubs, I'm not sure but I think we went to a few, most of the stuff I ingested was probably legal, Alfred I think I might need a lawyer."

Bruce Wayne pauses. He stares straight ahead, seemingly through the camera, and his expression is that of a man struggling to piece together a series of dimly remembered experiences. 

"So I'm out clubbing with these girls, and I'm naked in the back of a car with three or four of them, Hiromi makes this really funny joke, I can't remember it but we all laughed our asses off, and then the cop says... Wait. No. There's a jump there. Alfred, what am I missing?"

* _About one hour and forty minutes of memory, sir_.*

"Fuck. Did I buy anything this time?"

* _Yes sir. A chain of hostess clubs, five soaplands, two escort agencies, and a Honda Accord_.*

"Why would I buy a fucking Honda?"

* _No idea sir_.*

The executive board for Niguruma Unlimited is clearly struggling not to weep or vomit.

"Fuck it, I forgot what I'm here to announce. Alfred, let's get back to the hotel."

* _Yes sir. Shall we take the Honda?_ *

* * *

**Asagao Shimbun Online**  
English Edition

 **Niguruma Unlimited Announces Expansion Of Employee Shareholder And Benefits Program: Parent Company Also Announces Expansion Of Niguruma Executive Board**  
"I want to see more women," comments President of Wayne Holdings

 **Wayne Enterprises Announces Creation Of Japanese Nightclub & Entertainment Division**  
Numasha Inc To Feature Profit-Sharing, Parental Leave


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes when you're on a business trip you run into your competitors. When you're Bruce Wayne these run-ins can be dramatic.

May 2021

In an intersection of alleys, a child scowls at two men.

"But I'm taking it to the police." Ha-chan clutches the big briefcase to her chest. "It's lost."

"It's okay, little girl." The man with the ugly spiky hair tries to smile down at her. His eyes are mean. "We'll find the owner."

His friend a couple of feet behind him glances down the narrow street. "Just grab it already."

"I'm being nice." Spiky Hair looks up at something behind Ha-chan. "Hey you, get - Lost? What? Are you wearing?"

A voice behind Ha-chan growls like a truck engine. "Can you believe someone threw this out? You can barely see the cigarette burns."

Ha-chan doesn't want to turn away from someone like Spiky Hair, because he'll probably try to grab the briefcase and run. But she looks back over her shoulder. And up. And up. There's a lot of up to look up at. Most of it is naked.

Behind Ha-chan is a wall of pale muscle wearing pink yoga pants with floral patterns. "Why do you want her briefcase?" The wall rumbles at Spiky Hair.

"Get lost, freak." His friend in the ugly striped blazer is standing beside Spiky Hair now.

"I found it. I'm taking it to the police."

A huge gloved hand comes down gently on Ha-chan's shoulder. "Well done. You've made a good, socially responsible decision."

"Listen freak, just get - " Spiky Hair looks again at the muscle wall. "What's in the purse?"

"About fifty million yen in cash."

"You know what?" Spiky Hair and his friend glance at each other and smile. "Stick around. I bet we can be friends."

"My friends would never prevent a child from carrying out their social duties."

Striped Blaze snarls at Spiky Hair. "Stop playing with these idiots."

Rolling his eyes and shuffling a bit like an angry teenager, Spiky Hair mutters. "Yeah yeah. Relax a bit sometimes. Okay little girl, give me the briefcase. And you with the purse. Give it to me. Now."

* * *

"Are they - " Ha-chan glances back down the narrow street. Spiky Hair and Striped Blazer are... sorta moving. "Are they going to be okay?"

"Eventually."

The very big man is very big, and when Ha-chan looks right at him all she sees are muscles and pink yoga pants. When she looks up Ha-chan can see that he is wearing a purple headband tied around the top of his face, with ripped eyeholes to make a mask. His hands are covered in dirty gardening gloves and he carries an overstuffed pink purse.

"Why are you dressed like that?"

"I'm reasonably certain my clothes were stolen last night. I salvaged these from behind an apartment building."

"Um." Well. For someone at least twice her height and dressed in garbage, he doesn't seem scary. And he says she's doing the right thing. "How can you not know?"

"I was unconscious when it happened. What's your name?"

"Naito Haneko." Grandma says it's a sparkly name. "Ha-chan. What's yours?"

"Call me... Wet Nurse."

"... Okay."

Mr Wetnurse looks around the intersection of tight alleys and a narrow street. This part of Chukyo's Kyabarei District is always quiet in the morning. Drunks and partygoers hardly ever make it this far into the maze. It's why Ha-chan likes to cut through it on her way to school. She usually meets Dai-chan a couple of blocks up on the way to school, but she's probably too late now.

Mr Wetnurse looks down at Ha-chan. He starts at her bright yellow cap, takes in her green uniform shirt and red backpack, and then looks back to her face. "You've made the right decision to take this to the police. But you also need to get to school on time. How can you meet both goals?"

Ha-chan chews on her lip. If she goes to the police station she'll be late for school. But if she takes the briefcase to school the teachers will - "Oooh! I can tell a teacher where I found it, and they'll tell the police!"

"Yes. Good choice. Which way is your school?"

Ha-chan starts to point to the left, but a loud voice interrupts her. She turns back to look back to where she met the mean men and there's another man running at her and Mr Wetnurse. Running and yelling. And he has a big gardening machete.

Mr Wetnurse places a big gentle hand on her shoulder. "It's okay. I'll make him stop yelling."

He does.

"Now, you said your school is this way?"

"Uh-huh. It's close."

"Hm." Mr Wetnurse looks at the heavy briefcase Ha-chan carries. "Well, I think it's important you give that to a teacher as soon as possible. I'll walk with you to make sure no one else bothers you."

The path to school is still quiet. They pass a few people, but no one wants to talk to Mr Wetnurse. In fact, a lot of them duck back into their businesses and close the doors as soon as they see him. Mr Wetnurse ignores them and talks with Ha-chan as they pass through the Kyabarei District's back streets. He's some sort of businessman, he says.

"I'm on a business trip. Last night I encountered representatives of an organization I've had previous dealings with. We had a brief informal meeting."

The street branches left, where Dai-chan normally waits. But she's already gone ahead. Ha-chan is a little sad, but Dai-chan needs to get to school on time too.

"I wasn't prepared for the meeting, didn't come with any of my usual presentation supplies. Wasn't even wearing the good suit. But I think I handled events well."

Two men with baseball bats leap over a short fence and run screaming at Mr Wetnurse.

"The meeting concluded with a few substances that are unfit to discuss with small children."

"Hey!"

"Sorry. But this really is one of those things I'm not allowed to discuss with you. It's a grownup thing."

"Oh, okay." Most of the grownup things Ha-chan knows about sound really boring, like taxes and savings plans. Ha-chan doesn't want to know about the substances.

Ha-chan and Mr Wetnurse continue down the road, between the backs of two love hotels.

"Somehow there was a redhead involved. But she had bug eyes and wrist-stingers, so that may have been a hallucination."

Mr Wetnurse helps Ha-chan over a suspicious puddle. "What's a hallucination?"

"A bad dream, but you're awake." Yes, that sounds like a good description of a redhead with stingers. "After the event my companions seemed a bit out of it. I left them in front of a police station to sleep it off."

Noise echoes down the alley. A loud revving engine. From the intersection ahead a man on a motorcycle comes roaring down towards Ha-chan and Mr Wetnurse. Mr Wetnurse throws a bundle of old recyclables at the man, and then lifts Ha-chan above the motorcycle as it skids past them.

"I didn't really expect a loud night out on the streets. Didn't come prepared for it. I'm not sure what happened after we parted ways."

"Wow." Sometimes grownups say weird things. How can you forget an entire meeting?

"Hm," says Mr Wetnurse. As they enter the T-intersection they turn towards Ha-chan's school, but there are three men in front of them.

The men have big sticks and a knife. Ha-chan looks back the way they came and sees two more men with knives. And there are even more men with knives and sticks down the other end of the intersection.

That big hand in the gardening glove comes down on Ha-chan's shoulder again. "Miss Naito, a lot of very bad things are about to happen. The important thing to understand is, I will make sure you don't get hurt. And none of these men will die."

It's hard to tell under the cloth mask, but Ha-chan thinks that the look on Mr Wetnurse's face is thoughtful. Then he smiles. "Some of them might wish they could die, but I'll make sure they don't."

A few seconds later Mr Wetnurse walks back to stand next to Ha-chan. He nudges one of the men with his bare foot. The man whimpers.

"I might have eaten a rhinoceros beetle grub," Mr Wetnurse says. "But I'm hoping I imagined that part."

* * *

Mr Wetnurse is big and his voice sounds like a bear growling (Ha-chan has never heard a bear but she thinks this must be what they sound like) and he pays attention and asks questions when Ha-chan talks. He likes the Kyabarei District, and when Ha-chan says she's lived here all her life he asks about her neighbours and her family. Ha-chan lives with her mom and grandma in the basement of a hotel, in a little set of rooms the owners rent to them in exchange for cleaning the hotel. "It's the one shaped like a castle," Ha-chan says. "We get a lot of guests all the time."

Mr Wetnurse says it sounds like her mom and grandmother work very hard, and he hopes Ha-chan works hard at school. Ha-chan does, because she likes her classes. School is her favourite place and she thinks she wants to be a teacher when she grows up. Her favourite teacher is Nabeko-sensei, and Ha-chan starts to tell Mr Wetnurse about her but then her stomach growls.

"We have time to get you something to eat," Mr Wetnurse says.

* * *

Another morning, another day of business in East Bridge Shopping District. Mrs Tanaka sets up her little stall in the nook between the book store and the toy shop, just as she has for the past fifty years. It's a little early in the day for most people to be buying sweet snacks, so she only has a few ready right now. Mostly for the regulars in the district. In an hour or so she'll start getting ready for the lunch crowd, and then later for the after-school shoppers. It does seem like there are more tourists out today so Mrs Tanaka puts a few choco bananas and dango skewers on a platter to entice them.

There's a disturbance at the end of the mall. Yellling. The sound of someone running. Maybe a pursesnatcher or a shoplifter. It's unfortunate, but these things happen.

" _Pardon me thank you excuse me ON YOUR LEFT!_ "

An almost entirely naked man man in a purple mask runs through the morning crowd, a schoolchild tucked under one arm. The child's head is a bit larger than his bicep, but not by much. He dodges and weaves through the shoppers like a footballer evading tacklers. As he runs by her stall a cloud of money explodes in Mrs Tanaka's face. A thick hand the size of an entire spider crab scoops snacks off the tray. " _THANK YOU_."

Mrs Tanaka thinks she hears a child's voice say _thank you_ as well.

A few seconds later a crowd of panting men jog by. A couple of them are stumbling with exhaustion. Most of them are covered in garish clothes or colourful tattoos. Watching them stagger past, Mrs Tanaka picks up her phone and calls 119.

" _Thank you for calling Chukyo Emergency Services. Your call is important to us. Due to a higher than normal call volume, all of our operators are currently busy. We apologize for the inconvenience. Please stay on the line and we will answer your call as shortly as possible. Thank you for your patience._ "

Mrs Tanaka hangs up. She hates hold music.

* * *

Well, they're in an alley again. Ha-chan is seeing a lot of new alleys today. Most of them have angry men in them, like the ones standing around her and Mr Wetnurse.

"This is a shortcut," Ha-chan tells Mr Wetnurse.

"Everything wrong with my life started with those exact words."

A big man with a baseball bat steps forward. "Give us the briefcase and no one gets hurt."

"I have a better idea." Mr Wetnurse smiles. An entire alley full of mean men with sticks and knives flinches. "Miss Naito keeps the briefcase, and a lot of people get hurt."

Mr Wetnurse leads Ha-chan down the alley.

"Wow!" Ha-chan says. "I didn't know people could bend like that!"

"They'll live."

Ha-chan finishes the choco banana. There's a still a dango left on a skewer but she's not hungry anymore. There's another big guy at the end of the alley but he looks nervous and the machete shakes in his hands.

"Are you going to finish that last dango?"

"No, thank you. I'm full." And she feels a little queasy. Mom was right, too much sugar for breakfast makes you feel bad.

Mr Wetnurse takes the bamboo skewer from Ha-chan and flicks it into the other man's thigh. It stops at the last dango.

"Any permanent scarring should be purely psychological."

"Oh." Ha-chan's face falls. "We went the wrong way. I'll be late for school."

"Don't worry. I'll get you there in time."

* * *

A naked torso, one that appears to have been chiseled from an entire oak tree, looms close to Kaito's car window. The excessively muscled form is pitted with scars. The lower regions are inadequately covered by pink yoga pants. The torso blocks Kaito's line of sight, but he thinks behind it he sees a small child in a yellow hat.

"I need your car," growls the torso. It's Japanese is heavily accented. "For completely legal purposes."

Kaito worries that the torso is lying. He stops worrying when a huge fist comes through his window, clutching a five centimetre thick wad of 10,000 yen notes.

"Thank you," Kaito calls out to the torso as it and the child drive away in his used subcompact hatchback.

* * *

The briefcase is on the floor under her feet. Ha-chan has her seat pushed up as high and forward as it will go so she can see over the dashboard. The front panelling of the car lies ripped open and Mr Wetnurse has ripped things out and twisted wires into strange spiderwebs. "I had to disable the airbags, for safety reasons. So I will drive extra carefully to make sure you don't get hurt."

The car shakes as Mr Wetnurse sideswipes a motorcycle. Ha-chan thinks he must be the only driver worse than her grandmother.

Ha-chan looks at the dashboard display. "I have to be at school in five minutes, or the gate will be closed."

"I'm a very good driver." Mr Wetnurse says as he accelerates towards a man in the middle of the road. "You'll be on time."

The man with the gun jumps to the right to let the car pass. Mr Wetnurse opens his door.

The door slams shut.

"It's okay." Somehow Mr Wetnurse has the man's revolver and holds it upright, spilling bullets into the cupholder. "He'll walk again."

There's a truck too close to Mr Wetnurse's side of the car and his mirror falls off. The truck starts banging against the car, shaking Ha-chan in her seat.

"I just got this car," mutters Mr Wetnurse. "That first scratch is always the worst." He turns hard to the left but the truck follows, and peering over the dashboard Ha-chan sees that they're approaching a narrow intersection with safety pillars in front of it. Mr Wetnurse floors the gas and the truck struggles to keep up. Then a pillar smacks Ha-chan's mirror off and they're in the narrow road. Behind them Ha-chan hears a huge BANG! as the big truck hits all the pillars.

"That'll buff out."

Ha-chan doesn't think it will.

* * *

It's not like Haneko to be late but that's the least of Watanabe Kyoko's problems right now. Four men from the local Bone Dice syndicate are at the gate, asking questions about one of her students. It's probably for the best if Haneko doesn't show up yet.

Across the street from the gates two men keep an eye on the road. One of them carries a lumpy wrapped package that Kyoko thinks might be a gun but she's never seen one before so she can't really know. She thinks the other one across the street might be the boss. Standing right beside Kyoko a weasel-faced gangster gives Kyoko the least reassuring smile she has ever seen, and she would run if his big friend wasn't just a few feet away.

"Now don't worry, sis." Weasel-gangster keeps calling her sis. "We just want to ask the little girl a few - "

A grinding noise echoes down the street. Wheels and underbody scrapping on the paving a pile of flaming wreckage rounds the corner and comes screeching towards the men. What is left of a subcompact car, smoke and flames shooting up from its engine, shudders and shakes as men scramble to get out of its way. It slams to a halt in front of Kyoko and the shocked gangster standing next to her. The body is pocked with strange round holes.

The driver's door flies off its hinges and slams into the gangster, smashing him down. What follows is a mountain of flesh, a half-naked masked man with an impossibly huge scarred chest. The mountain spins and Kyoko sees something fly out of its hand, cutting through the flames shooting up from the engine. She has just enough time to recognize it as a revolver before it hits the man carrying the suspicious package right in the teeth.

The mountainous naked torso lifts the car door off the moaning gangster and hurls it down the street, at the man Kyoko had once thought was big. The door catches him in the groin and he falls like a bowling pin.

How something so large can move so fast Kyoko will never understand. But the mountain lunges across the roof of the car, grabs the terror-paralyzed boss, and rams him face first through the rear window.

A girl Kyoko recognizes as Ha-chan sticks her head of the driver's side. "Hello Nabeko-sensei!"

"They'll all be fine," the mountain-torso tells Ha-chan.

* * *

Maybe she's not late! The gates are closed but Ha-chan's favourite teacher is still outside. Her name is Watanabe Kyoko but everyone calls her Nabeko-sensei and she is very nice. But she doesn't look happy to see Mr Wetnurse.

"Ha-chan found a lost briefcase. She wants to turn it over to the police. I support her in this decision, and expect you to do so as well."

Nabeko-sensei twitches, all the way up and down her body.

Clutching the briefcase to her chest with one arm, Ha-chan tugs on Nabeko-sensei's sleeve. "It's okay. Mr Wetnurse is a nice man."

Nabeko-sensei twitches again.

Mr Wetnurse grabs his purse from the car and crouches down to speak to Ha-chan. "Miss Naito, it's been a pleasure working with you, and I look forward to doing so again at the earliest opportunity. But I need to flee the police right now."

"Bye-bye, Mr Wetnurse!"

Why does Nabeko-sensei keep twitching?

* * *

**Asagao Shimbun Online**  
English Edition

**NIGHTMARE IN KYABAREI DISTRICT**

Mysterious Figure Leaves Trail Of Carnage, Cash, Across Chukyo

Entire Bone Dice Syndicate Brutalized

**WHO WAS THAT MASKED TORSO?**

Bone Dice Crime Spree Overshadowed By Naked Man's Rampage

"Mr Wetnurse is very nice," Claims Witness To Terror

**FOREIGN COSPLAYERS FOUND BADLY BEATEN, STUNG BY HORNETS**

Several Middle Eastern Men In Ninja Costumes Found With Serious Injuries Outside Kyabarei East Bridge Station

"Your guess is as good as ours," Comments Police Spokesperson

**AMERICAN BILLIONAIRE BRUCE WAYNE BUYS LOVE HOTEL**

"I appreciate good manners and hospitality," Says Notorious Playboy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to the writer of the Batman: TAS episode 'Night Of The Ninja', the translator told him you have to be careful when you translate "Batman" into Japanese or it can sound like "wetnurse". I have no way of confirming if this is correct, and don't care if it's true or not. It's too good not to use.
> 
> The line "Any permanent scarring should be purely psychological" is from the brilliant and horrifying graphic novel 'The Cowboy Wally Show', which you will probably never get to read because it has been out of print for decades and that's a shame.


End file.
